I have been run to ground this week both physically and emotionally. Sunday, a day I look forward to with an abiding contentment, has been an unusual source of discontentment and discombobulation for the past two weeks. I haven't been in my right mind (if there is such a thing) for a few weeks with the monster storm of a sinus infection looming while I went about my daily business of working and sleeping. This past Monday physical and mental exhaustion came to a volcanic head when I fled my house in a state of sobbing so enormous I could have swam away. I share this story not to glorify my own woeful condition but to express my deep and abiding faith in the power of wonderful friendships bound by love and affection and the underlying hand of God in my life. I was feeling particularly sorry for myself on Monday, wondering what it is I was doing here in Illinois, so far from my major support and social network and what was I doing with my life that made coming to Illinois so important. I really had no answers in the moment; my head was encumbered by lethargic apathy and my soul was in no state to revive itself. There was no legitimate cause for such anguish other than my peaked state. In retrospect, this emotional eruption had been bubbling beneath the surface for a few months and it was only now with my defenses all but demolished I would burst with an overwhelming sense of grief and uncertainty.
I made a seismic change in my life when I decided to come to Chicago. Before I emigrated I was looking forward to moving toward something, a new adventure perhaps. After settling in, I realized I had also moved away from so much of what has defined me as a person and given me so much joy over the past 13 years. I wasn't just leaving the heartaches and frustrations behind but the weekly lunches, dinners, and movies; the Sunday afternoon walks; the hanging out and laughing; the trips to Dunkin Donuts and delicious Italian food on a Saturday night. My heart overflows with gratitude and longing as I reflect on all the beautiful and good I left behind in New York. It was a midst this drama of illness that I discovered my heart is still in NY, the good , the bad, the ugly. I wept. And I yet weep. I needed to leave I am almost certain of that. Almost. But the knowledge that changes must be made does not make the experience an easy one.
It was in this state I called upon a friend I love immensely and who has managed to remind me of God's tender mercies at some of the most challenging moments of my adult life. Someone who despite finding his own happiness and hope in a bright future with a woman who loves him the way he deserves to be loved, made time to listen and advise and pray with me. We hadn't spoken in a while yet it was like we saw each other yesterday. That gave me great comfort. As he listened to my broken heart I remembered what it was like to be in his presence and laugh and talk about books and movies. And my mind slowly grasped this awe inspiring idea that I could still feel close to the people I love despite being thousands of miles away. And in that moment of profound struggle I could feel that person thousands of miles away sitting beside me in my car reminding me of how God is mindful of each one of us in our struggles as well as in our triumphs. That was what I had lost sight of. Through God, all things are possible. In that moment, He made it possible for me to feel the soothing presence of someone who knows and loves me for who I am. That was truly a tender mercy.
As my week has progressed and I have been able to rest and contemplate my experience since settling in Illinois I know I am meant to learn more about myself and particularly to learn to rely on the wisdom, protection, and love of God. That I have been blessed by Him with friends and family in NY that will continue to strengthen and uplift me and distance makes no difference. Maybe in coming to Chicago I will finally build and fortify the most important relationship of all, a divine one.
