The secret of change is to focus all of your energy,not on fighting the old, but on building the new. ~ Socrates

I have been run to ground this week both physically and emotionally. Sunday, a day I look forward to with an abiding contentment, has been an unusual source of discontentment and discombobulation  for the past two weeks. I haven't been in my right mind (if there is such a thing) for a few weeks with the monster storm of a sinus infection looming while I went about my daily business of working and sleeping. This past Monday physical and mental exhaustion came to a volcanic head when I fled my house in a state of sobbing so enormous I could have swam away. I share this story not to glorify my own woeful condition but to express my deep and abiding faith in the power of wonderful friendships bound by love and affection and the underlying hand of God in my life. I was feeling particularly sorry for myself on Monday, wondering what it is I was doing here in Illinois, so far from my major support and social network and what was I doing with my life that made coming to Illinois so important. I really had no answers in the moment; my head was encumbered by lethargic apathy and my soul was in no state to revive itself. There was no legitimate cause for such anguish other than my peaked state. In retrospect, this emotional eruption had been bubbling beneath the surface for a few months and it was only now with my defenses all but demolished I would burst with an overwhelming sense of grief and uncertainty.

I made a seismic change in my life when I decided to come to Chicago. Before I emigrated I was looking forward to moving toward something, a new adventure perhaps. After settling in, I realized I had also moved away from so much of what has defined me as a person and given me so much joy over the past 13 years. I wasn't just leaving the heartaches and frustrations behind but the weekly lunches, dinners, and movies; the Sunday afternoon walks; the hanging out and laughing; the trips to Dunkin Donuts and delicious Italian food on a Saturday night. My heart overflows with gratitude and longing as I reflect on all the beautiful and good I left behind in New York. It was a midst this drama of illness that I discovered my heart is still in NY, the good , the bad, the ugly. I wept. And I yet weep. I needed to leave I am almost certain of that. Almost. But the knowledge that changes must be made does not make the experience an  easy one.

It was in this state I called upon a friend I love immensely and who has managed to remind me of God's tender mercies at some of the most challenging moments of my adult life. Someone who despite finding his own happiness and hope in a bright future with a woman who loves him the way he deserves to be loved, made time to listen and advise and pray with me. We hadn't spoken in  a while yet it was like we saw each other yesterday. That gave me great comfort. As he listened to my broken heart I remembered what it was like to be in his presence and laugh and talk about books and movies. And my mind slowly grasped this awe inspiring idea that I could still feel close to the people I love despite being thousands of miles away. And in that moment of profound struggle I could feel that person thousands of miles away sitting beside me in my car reminding me of how God is mindful of each one of us in our struggles as well as in our triumphs. That was what I had lost sight of. Through God, all things are possible. In that moment, He made it possible for me to feel the soothing presence of someone who knows and loves me for who I am. That was truly a tender mercy.

As my week has progressed and I have been able to rest and contemplate my experience since settling in Illinois I know I am meant to learn more about myself and particularly to learn to rely on the wisdom, protection, and love of God. That I have been blessed by Him with friends and family in NY that will continue to strengthen and uplift me and distance makes no difference. Maybe in coming to Chicago I will finally build and fortify the most important relationship of all, a divine one.

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” ~ Helen Keller

Sometime late last fall the thought struck me that I had become entrenched in the comfortability (yes I made up that word) of day to day life. Understanding that this stasis I found myself in inherently characterizes certain stages of life, mostly revolving around marriage, family, and career, I realized during this epiphany that I was living in a manner that was disingenuous to my post-graduation goals.  It quickly became evident to me that I was the personification of the hamster running and moving but forever fixed in the same location. I am a self-proclaimed creature of habit and had easily fallen into a form of living that would not cause any real growth or achievement of personal ambitions. But it was comfortable and I was working and contributing to someone else's well-being. Running the same wheel each day, having my basic needs met by the circumstances of my situation offered me a security I find reassuring. This sense of security had lulled me into a state of in-action. I had obtained my goal of finishing my BA after years of hard work and sacrifice. Now what?  It seemed so natural and was indeed quite easy to continue leading the same student lifestyle as when I was in school, hence the rut. In realizing the state I was in, an awareness enhanced by a development of what thankfully ended up being minor health issues, I knew the time had come to summon up my adventurous side, burried way down deep beneath many a layer of ease and continuity, and shift my focus from living to get through school and  this phase of my life to actually moving into the next phase. I passed through the transition phase without any signs of progress and so at the beginning of December 2012 I knew major change and a brand new adventure was what I needed to set my motivational fires ablaze. I needed to get off the wheel and out of the cage of security I lived in for more than 3 years in NY and start living the life I really want for my self. That is what my Chicago adventure is all aboutand Friday March 1 I took a step out of my well fortified comfort zone  and did something I hope will contribute to a new and exciting life here in Illinois....to be continued. ;)

Sociological Reflections on High School: a media analysis of Glee

The following is a paper I wrote for a sociology class and I have been thinking alot about group dynamics and fitting in and the difference a close knit group of friends can make in one person's life...more on that topic to come.

The minority to be analyzed is the subordinate group in the high school environment. More specifically: how can membership in a subordinate group perceived as “bottom of the rung”, enhance the cohesiveness of that socially subordinate group in the adolescent environment, and how does the subgroup attempt to overcome the negative perception imposed on them? The hypothesis being that members of a social group with specific goals, perceived as subordinate and influenced by the social superiority of their peers will bond as a result of common social maltreatment as well as common goals. The results of this study can provide an understanding of the realistic ability for high school aged children to develop healthy relationships despite their subordinate status within their social environment and whether this idea is accurately represented in the media.

Literature Review

            In addressing the concrete definition and study of cohesion, Moody and White explain the ongoing issue of cohesion this way:

                                    “Although questions about social cohesion lie at the core

                                    of our discipline, definitions are often vague and difficult

                                    to operationalize…Structural cohesion is defined as the

                                    minimum number of actors who, if removed from the group

                                    would disconnect the group…” (p. 103).

            In their study of peer relationships amongst high school students the authors “show that network positions predicts school attachment” and that the cohesiveness of such attachments is greatly shaped by the group having a “status beyond any individual group member.” (Moody & White, pp 104,122)

            Other studies look specifically at the influence of group identity within the subordinate group status. In their study of the social significance and cohesiveness of the high school musical groups, researchers Adderley, Benz, & Kennedy found that the subgroups formed by these musical organizations, “form subcultures of their own within the larger school setting and that these subcultures prove to be important vehicles for support and growth.” (Adderley, Benz, & Kennedy, p 191)  Their interviews with students who participated in such groups suggested that these students did so with multiple benefits; most particularly an open classroom with a social environment leading to a group which develops a structured sense of group identity. (p.200-201)

            According to Kinney (1993), studies involving high school, as well as intergroup social interactions, have clearly shown how these social relationships shaped the individuals view not only of themselves, but others as well. Findings have been strong in supporting the belief that those who actively participate in extracurricular activities were defined by a healthier sense of self. (Kinney, 1993, p.22)

Methodology

            Because we are examining the representation of minorities in media, particularly on television, content analysis is the most effective form of research. My study involves the portrayal of the group dynamic within a clearly defined subordinate high school group as represented by the Glee club on Fox’s television show, Glee. Although there are twelve episodes in which a pattern of cohesion becomes well-developed, I have selected the first three episodes to represent the parameters of my research.

Results

            Within the high school world of Glee clear there is a clearly defined social hierarchy as described by the cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester in the pilot episode.

                        Sue: High school is a caste system, kids fall into certain slots. Your  

                            jocks and your popular kids, up in the penthouse; the invisibles and the

                            kids playing live-action druids and trolls out in the forest, bottom floor.

                        Will Schuester: And where do the Glee kids live?

                        Sue: Sub-basement.

The subgroup represented by the Glee club is slow going at first. It initially collects the socially ostracized misfits: the overeager star, the closet drama queen, the Asian punk rock chick, the paraplegic, and the African-American diva. As the show progresses the viewpoint of the general school population regarding the members of Glee club are evidenced by their blatant ridicule via slushies to the face in the case of Rachel Berry or regular hurling into the dumpster by football players in the case of Kurt. But peer bullying will eventually extend to the more socially accepted students who join, like the football quarterback, Finn Hudson, whose fellow teammates bombard him with paint pellets once they find out he has joined Glee club.

As the make connections through performing together the differences between them take a back seat to their mutual goal. Initially intimidated and a little afraid of Rachel’s aggressive behavior Finn tells her in Episode 2:

Finn: Well, when I first joined I thought you were kind of insane.

     I mean, you talk a lot. More than you should. To be honest with

     you I looked under the bed, made sure you weren’t hanging out

     under there…but then I heard you sing…It touched something in

     me.

            Despite the slushies to the face for Rachel, or being called deep throat by fellow teammates for Finn, as he reveals in Episode 3, the connection they make through music binds the growing Glee club together. Through his membership in Glee, Finn withdraws from the typical high school antics he was previously involved in like in Episode 1 when watches his “buddies” swing Kurt into the dumpster. When Finn finally decides he is committed to Glee at the end of the Pilot Episode he tells the other members, “I don’t want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people….that isn’t who I am…This is what I want to be doing, with you guys….We’re all here for the same reason, because we want to be good at something.”

            The growing cohesiveness and clear emotional connectedness is clearly evidenced in two incidents in Episode 3. Although much of this episode revolves around the attempts by Sue Sylvester and her cheerleaders to thwart the success of the club by focusing on their need to win at Regionals, the Glee kids rise above the desire to win at all costs when their group dynamic is threatened by the overbearing choreographer they bring in to improve their chances. When he tells Artie he is cut because he isn’t trying hard enough to walk and a wheelchair is depressing, the group seems to crumble. But as Dakota continues to ridicule the individual members for what he perceives as their “flaws”, like Mercedes being too fat or Rachel needing a nose job, the group led by Rachel decides he is unnecessary because, “…we don’t need you…We’re going to win because we’re different, and that’s what makes us special.” Who they are as a musical family is what makes them special

            The second scenario that exemplifies the cohesiveness despite inner and external pressures is the ability Kurt finds to reveal that he is gay to Mercedes. Although, it seems obvious to many in the group, it is not until Mercedes takes an interest in him that Kurt is forced to admit it out loud. Mercedes’s response models the bonds which hold this subordinate group together.

                        Mercedes:  You shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are, Kurt. You

                             should just tell people, especially the kids in Glee. The whole

                             point of the club is about expressing what’s really inside you.

Discussion

            While the show is certainly a generalized as well as hyperbolic representation of the high school experience it allows for a strong representation of what the research claims. That a school sponsored group where teens participate with a shared goal and allowing for sincere personal expression and social development can strengthen the bonds of that subordinate group and allow them to buffer the day-to-day challenges of  being allocated to the “sub-basement.”

"And it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the residue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains? And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?... The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren..." Moses 7:28-29,32

No words exist to describe the events of December 14, 2012 only tears; God's tears mingled with ours

 

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” Thomas Merton.

The time has come for a new and personal post. My mind seems to have spent much of the past 6 months blanketed in a haze of uncertainty and indecision. Combine that with the added influence of family conflict and health issues and I guess it would be fair to say I have been mentally and emotionally hibernating. But lying dormant has been this wellspring of curiosity about a fairly common and mysterious virtue: love. Recently, I have been perusing older journal entries and even blog posts and a type of self designed motif suddenly struck me when I came across the quote above.
The unvarnished truth is I am a quantifiable disaster at loving people the way they are in such an open an accepting manner. I like boundaries and rules and mutual respect. The older I get the the clearer it becomes that this is a child's fantasy I have yet to exorcise. And yet I struggle to accept the notion that in order to truly love others we imply an acceptance of how they may treat us no matter how injurious and disrespectful. When one opens one's self up to others  and becomes subject to their whims and capriciousness how far must one go to exemplify love and kindness? At what point does charity for others become more important than respect for self? How does one both love with total acceptance and maintain a sense of value for one's own needs? I will let you know if I ever find the answer....

The Philosophy of the Groundhog...

           What gives life meaning? What makes an individual life meaningful? What is the Good life? How should we treat others? Do we have any control over our own lives or is everything predetermined? What part does time play in all of this? What if there was no tomorrow? All of these are questions which are addressed in some form by director Harold Ramis’ 1993 comedy Groundhog Day.

6:00 am on February 2 comes early and often for weatherman Phil Connors. Sent to Punxsutawney Pennsylvania to report for the 4^th year in a row on what is the country’s oldest Groundhog Day celebration, cynical and snide Phil, played by Bill Murray is surly and unpleasant towards his cameraman, Larry (Chris Elliot),  producer, Rita (Andie MacDowell) and pretty much everyone he comes in contact with. He is constantly acerbic and insincere in his weather reporting as well as his social interactions. Phil is a man who doesn’t like people, telling Rita and Larry on their drive to Punxsutawney, that “People are morons.” After reporting half-heartedly on the Groundhog Day ceremony Phil is desperate to get back to Pittsburg immediately but Mother Nature has other plans. They get caught in an oncoming blizzard that Phil ironically predicted would miss the area altogether and are forced back to Punxsutawney. It is the next morning when Phil wakes up to the same song playing on the radio, I Got You Babe, that he senses something is not quite right. With a sense of déjà vu, asking the owner of the B&B “Do you ever have déjà vu, Mrs. Lancaster?”Phil goes throughout the first day recognizing a sense of familiarity with even the most mundane events. But Phil is the only one aware of this and is clearly the focus of this phenomenon. At the end of each day Phil heads back to his room ad wakes up the next morning at 6:00 am to the same song playing on the radio. While any concept of time progressing is nullified by the repetition of the day there is a clear progression in Phil’s behavior as he begins to rack up the February 2s.  Having been a man who saw himself as in his way to bigger things there is an irony in the fact that he is now caught in this pattern of waking up stuck in the same place. A place he is desperate to escape; or at least he is desperate initially. 

As he accrues Groundhog Days the obviously self-imposed alienated Phil reminds us of the groundhog celebration itself and we are the spectators wondering if he will come out of the hole and see his shadow. It is awkward to watch such a self-satisfied person turn to others to find a solution to his problem. First he sees a medical doctor and then a psychologist to try and understand this sense of helplessness in the face of an unexplained and unyielding time loop. What is the point? And why this day? Exasperated by the inability to find answers Phil looks for solace in the working man’s therapy, drinking at the local bowling alley where he inquires of his fellow patrons “What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same? And nothing that you did mattered?” Is Phil talking about his current circumstance or his life as a whole? We get the idea that Phil’s dilemma is a more universal struggle when one of the men at the bar responds “That about sums it up for me.” When Phil decides these drinking buddies are too drunk to drive themselves home he is inspired to take the first step in his philosophical journey when he asks them what would they do if there was no tomorrow and they point out that if there is no tomorrow there are no consequences and so they would do whatever they felt inclined to do. This strikes a chord with Phil and so begins his life of hedonism. He continues to pay little attention to the feelings and experiences of those around him and decides to throw caution to the wind. When Rita sees him chain smoking and eating a gluttonous meal she asks him why he does not care about his health and quality of life and he responds “I don’t worry about anything, anymore” as he stuffs pastry into his mouth. Rita is disgusted and sums up the state of Phil’s character with a line from a Sir Walter Scott poem:

"The wretch, concentred all in self,
Living, shall forfeit fair renown,
And, doubly dying, shall go down
To the vile dust, from whence he sprung,
Unwept, unhonoured, and unsung"

Phil is a selfish self-centered person who will ultimately live and die alone. 

As the Groundhog Days continue to accrue we have no real sense of how much time conceptually has passed but Phil has become familiar with the people and events of the town and the notion of living a life led by impulse and  satiating desires begins to lose its shine. This is when he focuses his attention on Rita. And yet he is still looking to gain something for himself without really looking to himself for the solution to the problem at hand. He pursues Rita by adapting himself to the type of man she would be attracted to a standard he learns by repeating his interactions with her and extracting more information each time. His purpose becomes wooing her by proving he is a man who meets her criteria. But it is all flash and no substance. As the days continue to repeat themselves Phil finds no real happiness in this façade as he wakes up the next morning to the dreaded tune of I Got You Babe and either the night before had ended with a slap in the face or with Rita gone from his room. It seems in the disingenuousness of his existence has become mechanical even while pursuing something that could ultimately contribute to his happiness, like a meaningful relationship with Rita. Up to this point in Phil’s journey to discover some redeeming kind of meaning and happiness in the mechanical monotony of everyday life he has managed to accomplish the things that fail to do so.

When he wakes up again on February 2^nd at 6:00am after all his hedonistic efforts Phil has moved on to the fatalistic attempts to end this repetitive existence. As Rita and Larry watch in disbelief Phil describes the town festivities for the camera in this way:

This is pitiful. 1,000 people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype! Groundhog Day used to mean something in this town. They used to pull the hog out and they used to eat it. Your hypocrites, all of you! ...You want a prediction about the weather? You’re asking the wrong Phil I’ll give you a winter prediction. It’s gonna be cold. It’s gonna be gray. And it’s going to last you for the rest of your life.

And the very next scene is a montage of Phil waking up and smashing the clock radio to the sound of Sonny Cher. And his next news report perfectly reflects Phil’s larger existential problem “there is no way this winter is ever going to end as long as this groundhog keeps seeing his shadow. He has to be stopped and I have to stop him”; meaning he cannot take this life anymore and the only solution is to end it all. When Phil’s attempts at ending his life through a variety a ways i.e. driving off a cliff with the groundhog at the wheel, diving off a building, walking into oncoming traffic, and getting into the bath with a toaster he is forced out of this philosophy of ending his existence as the focus of his existence. We get to see the toll Phil’s journey of self-discovery takes on Larry and more frequently Rita in moments shown on-screen by the reactions they have to his behaviors. But the next day it is all fresh. Nothing has happened yet. But not for Phil.

            It is finally when Phil acknowledges the value in learning and improving himself by taking piano lessons, ice sculpting lessons, avid reading, and learning about the people around him in a more sincere and selfless. When he tells Rita that he has killed himself so many times that he doesn’t even exist anymore she tells him that having all this time on his hands could actually be a good thing, how much he could accomplish with “eternity”. Even after he begins to develop a real connection with Rita, it is not until he focuses on developing himself and then using those skills and talents to improve the community i.e. saving an ungrateful kid when he falls from a tree, changing the tire on a car full of elderly women, saving the mayor from choking, and doing all in his power to keep the old homeless man he ignored at the beginning of the film from dying. It is only after Phil takes an active role in his life as well as the life of others that he seems to enjoy life, as repetitive as it is, having made real connections with people and placed a value on his relationships. This is when he finally wakes up the next day with Rita by his side.

            Since this movie came out in 1993 it has been one of my favorites. It is a masterful film that forces us to take a look out the most basic philosophical issues of how to be happy and what makes life worth living in a comedic and almost imperceptible way. The theme of the groundhog seeing his shadow, a signal of 6 more weeks of winter, is parallel to that of our desperate need for Phil to come out of his hole of self-absorption and see that spring is on its way , that there is meaning and happiness to be found in living; and we get that glimpse when in his last Groundhog Day report on scene the once gloomy pessimist states,” When Chekhov saw the long winter he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts I couldn’t imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.” This Phil has finally discovered what it is to truly live.

“You don't get heaven or hell. Do you know the only reward you get for being batman? You get to be Batman.” - Neil Gaiman

I've been in love with Batman most of my life. It's true. If you ask my sisters what the best way to push my buttons was when I was little they would tell you about how they used to delight in tormenting me with their rendition of the theme song to the original Batman tv show with Adam West. It went something like this: nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana Matman and Bobin. It drove me beserko. Did they not understand my love for the caped crusader and a young girl's delight at seeing a strong female character as a superhero in the development of Barbara Gordon as Batgirl? Of course they didn't care about any of that! As teenage sisters their focus was on holding me down as they cracked the knuckles in my toes and tortured me with the mockery of their ridiculous "Matman and Bobin" theme song. It was the thought that motorcycle riding girls could fight crime and have a PhD in Library Science that helped me overlook the campy condescending spin the original television show put on the world of Bruce Wayne and his alter ego.  But I always loved the characterization of this flawed human man who used his money to battle the Jokers and the Riddlers of the world. Not  to mention tangling with the awesome Catwoman! Yet it wasn't until I started swallowing whole the tales of Bruce Wayne and the Caped Crusader from the mind of true geniuses like Frank Miller and Jeph Loeb that my heart was fully conquered. Batman/Bruce Wayne became this brilliantly flawed archetype  damaged by the violent loss of his parents as a child and determined to save the soul of his city, perhaps attempting to save his own at the same time. He is a man who lives according to his own rules and will not be ruled by the whims of others. One of my favorite scenes in any Batman arc is the fight that occurs between Batman and Superman in Frank Miller's classic The Dark Knight Returns. The scenes are told and drawn to depict raw emotion : anger, frustration, exhaustion. And for a human vs. alien battle Batman's intellect and skills manage to hold their own.
        And then there is the mastermind that is Christopher Nolan. Can there be any other Batman story arc before or after his trilogy is complete? The rise and "fall" of a legend has never been more powerfully crafted into entertainment. I would defy George Lucas to tell such a compelling and powerful story in 3 films and then calling it a day. If Christopher Nolan is smart, and I think the evidence speaks for itself, he will leave his version of Gotham City as is at the end of this last film and give us the gift of seeing this Batman universe untainted by the Lucas effect.  I have no doubt there will continue to be Batman movies but I hope DC and Warner have the good sense to shift the story and character of Batman in a way that is true to his inherently universal humanness.