Sunday, October 20, 2013

Doubt not, but be believing: a poetic introduction to a series of posts on faith and becoming...

The Doubter's Prayer 

by Anne Bronte


Eternal Power, of earth and air!
Unseen, yet seen in all around,
Remote, but dwelling everywhere,
Though silent, heard in every sound.
If e'er thine ear in mercy bent,
When wretched mortals cried to Thee,
And if, indeed, Thy Son was sent,
To save lost sinners such as me:

Then hear me now, while, kneeling here,
I lift to thee my heart and eye,
And all my soul ascends in prayer,
Oh, give me -­ give me Faith! I cry.

Without some glimmering in my heart,
I could not raise this fervent prayer;
But, oh! a stronger light impart,
And in Thy mercy fix it there.

While Faith is with me, I am blest;
It turns my darkest night to day;
But while I clasp it to my breast,
I often feel it slide away.

Then, cold and dark, my spirit sinks,
To see my light of life depart;
And every fiend of Hell, methinks,
Enjoys the anguish of my heart.

What shall I do, if all my love,
My hopes, my toil, are cast away,
And if there be no God above,
To hear and bless me when I pray?

If this be vain delusion all,
If death be an eternal sleep,
And none can hear my secret call,
Or see the silent tears I weep!

Oh, help me, God! For thou alone
Canst my distracted soul relieve;
Forsake it not: it is thine own,
Though weak, yet longing to believe.

Oh, drive these cruel doubts away;
And make me know, that Thou art God!
A faith, that shines by night and day,
Will lighten every earthly load.

If I believe that Jesus died,
And, waking, rose to reign above;
Then surely Sorrow, Sin, and Pride,
Must yield to Peace, and Hope, and Love.

And all the blessed words He said
Will strength and holy joy impart:
A shield of safety o'er my head,
A spring of comfort in my heart

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Last night I had this dream and it went something like this....

COME live with me and be my Love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dale and field,
And all the craggy mountains yield.
  
There will we sit upon the rocks         5
And see the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.
  
There will I make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies,  10
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle
Embroider'd all with leaves of myrtle.
  
A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull,
Fair linèd slippers for the cold,  15
With buckles of the purest gold.
  
A belt of straw and ivy buds
With coral clasps and amber studs:
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me and be my Love.  20
  
Thy silver dishes for thy meat
As precious as the gods do eat,
Shall on an ivory table be
Prepared each day for thee and me.
  
The shepherd swains shall dance and sing  25
For thy delight each May-morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my Love.


There is something  alluring about the imagery provoked by Kit Marlowe in this verdant verse, a bucolic sweetness touching on a deeply felt passion. The gift of poetry lies in its capacity to extract from our innermost chambers  those things which we most long to protect from the eyes of the world. For many years I have believed myself to be too sensible for passion and romance, that a keen mind and fine sense of humor are all that matter, but beautiful poetry has convinced my hard head that I have been hiding that which is most sensitive, protecting it from the mockery of the world because that is so often what the world has offered when I have worn my heart on my sleeve. But the truth I guard so indefatigably  is nothing to be ashamed of, despite what my more practical sarcastic self tries to tell me, I am a romantic.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

If I needed you would you come to me, would you come to me and ease my pain? If you needed me I would come to you, I would swim the seas for to ease your pain . ~ Townes Van Zandt

This is the conclusion to the previous post....

When dinner was finished I remained quiet as we moved on to discussing other things and opted to pick up dessert from a nearby bakery. My emotional state at this time was very much like the finch who slammed itself into a window and lay helpless on the cement walkway. My friends were kind enough to notice and accept this. At one point an arm was placed on my shoulder to reinforce  support and awareness of my intensely vulnerable state. I am not one who tends to become quiet during debate and heated discussion, but the dinner conversation had touched on my  innermost heartache, as ee cummings  eloquently described, "the root of the root and the bud of the bud". I attempted to recover my spirits and when we had gotten dessert and decided to watch a dvd I decide I needed to stay and be a part of the world instead of fleeing and retreating into my own.

When we returned to our point of origin, being my friend's house where we would watch any of a number of movies on a regular basis, I split off from our group and went to place my delicious Italian leftovers in my car. It was dark out but for the undependable streetlight and from the corner of my eye I could see something fluttering and struggling in the gutter. All I could muster was a sort of wailing gasp because it was clear that this mysterious object  was not a leaf or really an object at all, but a tiny bird that was unable to properly use its wings to lift off. There was no barrier that could have prevented the flood of grief that burst forth from my lips."Oh, it's dying" I whispered and one of my friends stopped in his tracks. As I watched this little life struggle and feebly attempt to coordinate it's wings in order to take flight my friend  approached me with a look of concern on his face. When he asked me what was wrong,as I was clearly trembling and overwrought, I explained there was a tiny bird flapping around and dying in the street. And when he turned to discover where this helpless creature was the little bird was nowhere to be found. All I could think of was this poor bird, desperate and unable to get off the ground would shortly be devoured by either cat or the tires of an oncoming vehicle and I wept. What happened next I will never forget and will forever love this friend for. Sensing my need for comfort I was blessed with a friend who was able to provide a tender moment when comfort was given and received. Moving closer he embraced me  warmly placing  his hand on my head and gave me the sweet gift of letting me cry on his shoulder. As he spoke words of comfort to me I was able to quickly regain my sensibilities and we moved together towards the house. In that moment I was the bird standing defenseless in the street caught in a maelstrom of sorrows and uncertainties and I was rescued by a brief but pure moment of  affection and solicitous care.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Two birds on a wire /One tries to fly away and the other /Watches him close from that wire/ He says he wants to as well but he is a liar/ I'll believe it all /There's nothing I won't understand /I'll believe it all I won't let go of your hand ~Regina Spektor

The building that I work in has reflective windows on the facade which means when, on  stunningly gorgeous fall days like we have been having in Illinois recently, walking in and out of the building you are captured by the illusion that the azure sky continues on forever. While this is most assuredly an aesthetically enticing  architectural technique it has an unsettling result by one of the main entrances into the facility. Every day for the last week when leaving work I have been stunned by the same phenomenon: the lifeless yet intact frames of  several tiny birds lying  on the cement walkway adjacent to the building. This circumstance was a result of these tiny creatures seeing the reflected sky in the windows of the building and flying head on into their own destruction. While this does bring to mind the significance of illusions and not being deceived by the ephemera and surface reflections the world has to offer, for me the first thing that came to mind each day I walked from the building and saw these poor frail lifeless birds strewn on the pavement was an emotional night  several years ago where I was very much that poor frail bird butting its head against  hard glass.

It was the fall of 2010 and I was basically a hot mess. I was in school full-time, working, and constantly worried about my sister who had recently been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. My soul was decidedly  beset by heightened emotions and uncertainty of what I could and should be doing to help my sister. This was a constant spiritual undercurrent  for me back then and it was often present in my interactions with others. Such was the case one fall evening when after classes I went to dinner with friends. We decided on Italian (my comfort food of choice) and opted for a local place (because in NY there are many many local Italian restaurants) that I had never been to. I was myself and yet I was not myself.  As we sat discussing this and that the topic of my sister came up and I felt my nerves pop and my heart quake. I was explaining how I was determined to help my sister raise money to pay for treatment and so I had decided to basically beg and cajole for help through social media. There was a slight pause in the conversation and one of my friends commented on how they had seen my postings and had discussed it with another Facebook friend who had been struck by the vehemence of my recent postings/pleadings. This began a most excruciating philosophical discussion over the "proper" way to get results in such a scenario. It was all very surgical, my heart being cut out quite efficiently in the process of a few general observations made over 3 or 4 minutes by the other member of our party. As the seconds progressed  and the food arrived, my head leaned ever further downward as I played with my food and lost my voice. My eyes fogged up with hurt and uncertainty. In those minutes I felt like a trapped bird whose wings were unable to fulfill their purpose leaving me to look wildly for any means of escape. I could not speak much above a whisper in response to the questions being posed. It became obvious to those I was with that our companionable dinner had evolved into a painful autopsy of all of my recent actions regarding my sister  and they thoughtfully changed conversational courses to ease my discomfort, and I was grateful.....

stay tuned for what happened next and what I learned about tenderness....posting  to follow later this week

Monday, September 23, 2013

Slugs and snails are after me/ DDT keeps me happy/ Now I guess I'll have to tell 'em/ That I got no cerebellum/ Gonna get my Ph.D. I'm a teenage lobotomy

My freshman year of high school was a free fall beginning  to a life long journey to discover the "me"ness of me. 8th grade had  been, and to this date remains, on of the most damaging and painful years of my life. I still have a hard time contemplating being in a room with people who so enthusiastically pushed my sensitive soul the very boundaries of  emotional security. After surviving 7th and 8th grade, 9th grade offered me an opportunity to expand my social circle and escape from the barbarity and insanity of adolescent kill-or-be killed socializing. Many of the girls my age were petty, dishonest, and driven by jealousy, and often those who weren't  made decisions about their loyalty based on social necessity. The girls at church were no exception. And the boys...well let's just say just because they had figured out how to keep their hands to themselves by high school some of their mouths and minds needed to be washed out with good detergent.

Lies were told by and about me within the drama of freshman year survival of the fittest. As my circle of "friends" began to suffocate me I was blessed that  a group of people were drawn to my independent, bull -headed, argumentative, sarcastic teenage self and they were all seniors. They found it curious that I had no interest in smoking or drinking and messing around was not my aim in hanging out with older guys. I was the "Mormon" girl who probably had eight mommies, who argued politics in the library at lunch and had no problem kneeing someone in the proper place to get them away from her. I was brash and angry and desperate to  figure out how to be me without  drawing so much malevolent or inappropriate and unwanted attention. This was the year that birthed within me a natural attraction for nerdy boys who liked to argue ideas and make the librarians threaten to kick us out of the library for being too rowdy and rowdy meant arguing about the Iran Contra hearings or Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings. These were the boys who allowed me to not always think of myself as a girl who was defined by her body but as a person who had a passionate mind and thirst to learn new things and debate ideas and to understand what was going on in the world and why that mattered.  This was the year I joined a club that explored the birth of and philosophy of Marxism and socialism, I sang in the choir and played in the band, I joined Model United Nations, I cut school after my cousin died and became entangled in a mess of my own making. I discovered The Ramones, The Dead Milkmen, Erasure, Depeche Mode, ee cummings, and that hanging out in graveyards after school was something to look forward to. These were the things that made my freshman year worth looking back on and worth remembering. I did have a few girlfriends in my grade that managed to stay out of the drama and with whom I enjoyed a bond of friendship but after my senior friends graduated that year I lost myself until I was able to find true meaningful friends in the grade younger than me....and lost my heart to a boy named....








Saturday, September 14, 2013

Words of love: How e.e. cummings taught me the intimacy of love

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I will follow you into the dark...

Today. I have not been doing a lot of thinking. I
have not been thinking of just the right words 
that would describe what this day is and what
it was 12 years ago. 
I miss my NY. 
Lives have been lost, taken, and
given on and since this day 12 years ago and
today certain songs played on repeat cycle as 
I tried not to remember what I felt 
one beautiful September morning 
and on that day every year since.
I pray for peace and love and comfort for all those who continue to suffer the vacuum of grief left by September 11, 2001







Saturday, July 6, 2013

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy,not on fighting the old, but on building the new. ~ Socrates

I have been run to ground this week both physically and emotionally. Sunday, a day I look forward to with an abiding contentment, has been an unusual source of discontentment and discombobulation  for the past two weeks. I haven't been in my right mind (if there is such a thing) for a few weeks with the monster storm of a sinus infection looming while I went about my daily business of working and sleeping. This past Monday physical and mental exhaustion came to a volcanic head when I fled my house in a state of sobbing so enormous I could have swam away. I share this story not to glorify my own woeful condition but to express my deep and abiding faith in the power of wonderful friendships bound by love and affection and the underlying hand of God in my life. I was feeling particularly sorry for myself on Monday, wondering what it is I was doing here in Illinois, so far from my major support and social network and what was I doing with my life that made coming to Illinois so important. I really had no answers in the moment; my head was encumbered by lethargic apathy and my soul was in no state to revive itself. There was no legitimate cause for such anguish other than my peaked state. In retrospect, this emotional eruption had been bubbling beneath the surface for a few months and it was only now with my defenses all but demolished I would burst with an overwhelming sense of grief and uncertainty.

I made a seismic change in my life when I decided to come to Chicago. Before I emigrated I was looking forward to moving toward something, a new adventure perhaps. After settling in, I realized I had also moved away from so much of what has defined me as a person and given me so much joy over the past 13 years. I wasn't just leaving the heartaches and frustrations behind but the weekly lunches, dinners, and movies; the Sunday afternoon walks; the hanging out and laughing; the trips to Dunkin Donuts and delicious Italian food on a Saturday night. My heart overflows with gratitude and longing as I reflect on all the beautiful and good I left behind in New York. It was a midst this drama of illness that I discovered my heart is still in NY, the good , the bad, the ugly. I wept. And I yet weep. I needed to leave I am almost certain of that. Almost. But the knowledge that changes must be made does not make the experience an  easy one.

It was in this state I called upon a friend I love immensely and who has managed to remind me of God's tender mercies at some of the most challenging moments of my adult life. Someone who despite finding his own happiness and hope in a bright future with a woman who loves him the way he deserves to be loved, made time to listen and advise and pray with me. We hadn't spoken in  a while yet it was like we saw each other yesterday. That gave me great comfort. As he listened to my broken heart I remembered what it was like to be in his presence and laugh and talk about books and movies. And my mind slowly grasped this awe inspiring idea that I could still feel close to the people I love despite being thousands of miles away. And in that moment of profound struggle I could feel that person thousands of miles away sitting beside me in my car reminding me of how God is mindful of each one of us in our struggles as well as in our triumphs. That was what I had lost sight of. Through God, all things are possible. In that moment, He made it possible for me to feel the soothing presence of someone who knows and loves me for who I am. That was truly a tender mercy.

As my week has progressed and I have been able to rest and contemplate my experience since settling in Illinois I know I am meant to learn more about myself and particularly to learn to rely on the wisdom, protection, and love of God. That I have been blessed by Him with friends and family in NY that will continue to strengthen and uplift me and distance makes no difference. Maybe in coming to Chicago I will finally build and fortify the most important relationship of all, a divine one.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” ~ Helen Keller

Sometime late last fall the thought struck me that I had become entrenched in the comfortability (yes I made up that word) of day to day life. Understanding that this stasis I found myself in inherently characterizes certain stages of life, mostly revolving around marriage, family, and career, I realized during this epiphany that I was living in a manner that was disingenuous to my post-graduation goals.  It quickly became evident to me that I was the personification of the hamster running and moving but forever fixed in the same location. I am a self-proclaimed creature of habit and had easily fallen into a form of living that would not cause any real growth or achievement of personal ambitions. But it was comfortable and I was working and contributing to someone else's well-being. Running the same wheel each day, having my basic needs met by the circumstances of my situation offered me a security I find reassuring. This sense of security had lulled me into a state of in-action. I had obtained my goal of finishing my BA after years of hard work and sacrifice. Now what?  It seemed so natural and was indeed quite easy to continue leading the same student lifestyle as when I was in school, hence the rut. In realizing the state I was in, an awareness enhanced by a development of what thankfully ended up being minor health issues, I knew the time had come to summon up my adventurous side, burried way down deep beneath many a layer of ease and continuity, and shift my focus from living to get through school and  this phase of my life to actually moving into the next phase. I passed through the transition phase without any signs of progress and so at the beginning of December 2012 I knew major change and a brand new adventure was what I needed to set my motivational fires ablaze. I needed to get off the wheel and out of the cage of security I lived in for more than 3 years in NY and start living the life I really want for my self. That is what my Chicago adventure is all aboutand Friday March 1 I took a step out of my well fortified comfort zone  and did something I hope will contribute to a new and exciting life here in Illinois....to be continued. ;)

Friday, January 4, 2013

Sociological Reflections on High School: a media analysis of Glee


The following is a paper I wrote for a sociology class and I have been thinking alot about group dynamics and fitting in and the difference a close knit group of friends can make in one person's life...more on that topic to come.

The minority to be analyzed is the subordinate group in the high school environment. More specifically: how can membership in a subordinate group perceived as “bottom of the rung”, enhance the cohesiveness of that socially subordinate group in the adolescent environment, and how does the subgroup attempt to overcome the negative perception imposed on them? The hypothesis being that members of a social group with specific goals, perceived as subordinate and influenced by the social superiority of their peers will bond as a result of common social maltreatment as well as common goals. The results of this study can provide an understanding of the realistic ability for high school aged children to develop healthy relationships despite their subordinate status within their social environment and whether this idea is accurately represented in the media.
Literature Review
            In addressing the concrete definition and study of cohesion, Moody and White explain the ongoing issue of cohesion this way:
                                    “Although questions about social cohesion lie at the core
                                    of our discipline, definitions are often vague and difficult
                                    to operationalize…Structural cohesion is defined as the
                                    minimum number of actors who, if removed from the group
                                    would disconnect the group…” (p. 103).
            In their study of peer relationships amongst high school students the authors “show that network positions predicts school attachment” and that the cohesiveness of such attachments is greatly shaped by the group having a “status beyond any individual group member.” (Moody & White, pp 104,122)
            Other studies look specifically at the influence of group identity within the subordinate group status. In their study of the social significance and cohesiveness of the high school musical groups, researchers Adderley, Benz, & Kennedy found that the subgroups formed by these musical organizations, “form subcultures of their own within the larger school setting and that these subcultures prove to be important vehicles for support and growth.” (Adderley, Benz, & Kennedy, p 191)  Their interviews with students who participated in such groups suggested that these students did so with multiple benefits; most particularly an open classroom with a social environment leading to a group which develops a structured sense of group identity. (p.200-201)
            According to Kinney (1993), studies involving high school, as well as intergroup social interactions, have clearly shown how these social relationships shaped the individuals view not only of themselves, but others as well. Findings have been strong in supporting the belief that those who actively participate in extracurricular activities were defined by a healthier sense of self. (Kinney, 1993, p.22)
Methodology
            Because we are examining the representation of minorities in media, particularly on television, content analysis is the most effective form of research. My study involves the portrayal of the group dynamic within a clearly defined subordinate high school group as represented by the Glee club on Fox’s television show, Glee. Although there are twelve episodes in which a pattern of cohesion becomes well-developed, I have selected the first three episodes to represent the parameters of my research.
Results
            Within the high school world of Glee clear there is a clearly defined social hierarchy as described by the cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester in the pilot episode.
                        Sue: High school is a caste system, kids fall into certain slots. Your  
                            jocks and your popular kids, up in the penthouse; the invisibles and the
                            kids playing live-action druids and trolls out in the forest, bottom floor.
                        Will Schuester: And where do the Glee kids live?
                        Sue: Sub-basement.
The subgroup represented by the Glee club is slow going at first. It initially collects the socially ostracized misfits: the overeager star, the closet drama queen, the Asian punk rock chick, the paraplegic, and the African-American diva. As the show progresses the viewpoint of the general school population regarding the members of Glee club are evidenced by their blatant ridicule via slushies to the face in the case of Rachel Berry or regular hurling into the dumpster by football players in the case of Kurt. But peer bullying will eventually extend to the more socially accepted students who join, like the football quarterback, Finn Hudson, whose fellow teammates bombard him with paint pellets once they find out he has joined Glee club.
As the make connections through performing together the differences between them take a back seat to their mutual goal. Initially intimidated and a little afraid of Rachel’s aggressive behavior Finn tells her in Episode 2:
Finn: Well, when I first joined I thought you were kind of insane.
     I mean, you talk a lot. More than you should. To be honest with
     you I looked under the bed, made sure you weren’t hanging out
     under there…but then I heard you sing…It touched something in
     me.
            Despite the slushies to the face for Rachel, or being called deep throat by fellow teammates for Finn, as he reveals in Episode 3, the connection they make through music binds the growing Glee club together. Through his membership in Glee, Finn withdraws from the typical high school antics he was previously involved in like in Episode 1 when watches his “buddies” swing Kurt into the dumpster. When Finn finally decides he is committed to Glee at the end of the Pilot Episode he tells the other members, “I don’t want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people….that isn’t who I am…This is what I want to be doing, with you guys….We’re all here for the same reason, because we want to be good at something.”
            The growing cohesiveness and clear emotional connectedness is clearly evidenced in two incidents in Episode 3. Although much of this episode revolves around the attempts by Sue Sylvester and her cheerleaders to thwart the success of the club by focusing on their need to win at Regionals, the Glee kids rise above the desire to win at all costs when their group dynamic is threatened by the overbearing choreographer they bring in to improve their chances. When he tells Artie he is cut because he isn’t trying hard enough to walk and a wheelchair is depressing, the group seems to crumble. But as Dakota continues to ridicule the individual members for what he perceives as their “flaws”, like Mercedes being too fat or Rachel needing a nose job, the group led by Rachel decides he is unnecessary because, “…we don’t need you…We’re going to win because we’re different, and that’s what makes us special.” Who they are as a musical family is what makes them special
            The second scenario that exemplifies the cohesiveness despite inner and external pressures is the ability Kurt finds to reveal that he is gay to Mercedes. Although, it seems obvious to many in the group, it is not until Mercedes takes an interest in him that Kurt is forced to admit it out loud. Mercedes’s response models the bonds which hold this subordinate group together.
                        Mercedes:  You shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are, Kurt. You
                             should just tell people, especially the kids in Glee. The whole
                             point of the club is about expressing what’s really inside you.
Discussion
            While the show is certainly a generalized as well as hyperbolic representation of the high school experience it allows for a strong representation of what the research claims. That a school sponsored group where teens participate with a shared goal and allowing for sincere personal expression and social development can strengthen the bonds of that subordinate group and allow them to buffer the day-to-day challenges of  being allocated to the “sub-basement.”