Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves...

But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune. ~ Carl Jung

These past few weeks I have been contemplating my own discontent. I previously posted about my own grumpiness and feeling out of sorts. I have been desperate to understand what has been churning in that mysterious corner of myself I so often try to cover up and insulate from the world. Yes, I have a few considerable challenges in my life but comparatively they seem manageable to me most of the time. I may occasionally cry in my car on the way home or during some ridiculously produced alien movie but on a day to day basis I know how lucky I am and how much I have in my life to be deeply grateful for. Then today I realized what that not so tiny granule of irritation has been these past few weeks: pride. Hence the picture of one of literature and film's greatest representatives of that trait: Fitzwilliam Darcy.

But in all reality I had a moment of inspiration in which I was allowed to see my nagging weakness recently and it became so obvious that pride was at the heart of it. I realized that at the foundation of my recent feelings of malaise was a subconscious understanding of two facts:

• my growing reliance on the care and concern of my friends, especially those here in NY

and even more embarrassing:

• my inherent need to feel needed

Clearly, neither of these ideas in theory are bad things. Relying on one's friends and family is a key ingredient in a fulfilling and happy life. As is the desire to contribute to the happiness and well being of others. BUT when they trigger long buried and well hidden defense mechanisms. a significant amount of mysterious emotional turbulence can certainly be expected. And that is my journey. To learn to be a little less independent and not see it as a weakness. To allow myself the joy of knowing a little old lady wants me to stay forever. To be open to the people around me and not think less of myself for needing those connections.

"I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet." ~Persian Proverb ***WARNING This post contains a graphic photo from Sudan

I honestly do not think these photos require much of my verbosity to convey my message. There

is the face of a young Libyan girl adorned by paint with a peace sign,

there

are these Sudanese children with their beautiful faces, distended bellies, and non-existent body

fat or muscle,

there

is the Japanese soldier carrying an old man out of the rubble left by an unprecedented

earthquake, and there

are the faces of young Congolese boys clinging to the rigid fencing of the

refugee camp where they live as a result of the ongoing violence in their country. In comparison,

not only do I have shoes but I am swimming in the land of Jimmy Choos.

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I can't do it alone, I've tried. I don't know why..."

So I had an interesting weekend this past Saturday-Sunday combo. I woke up short tempered and grumpy. Out of sorts in an undefinable way. That feeling plagued me throughout Saturday and refused to leave completely until late Sunday night. I spent Saturday night trying to refocus on my relationship with the perfect Therapist and Sunday I spent the morning enjoying the sweltering heat of 500 people in a very well heated church building. I attended wonderful church services and then caught up with many of my friends old and new. Yet this pervasive sense of being a little off center internally and somewhat incomplete seemed to linger. Having kept busy socializing, this wibbly wobbly state of emotions didn't fully strike me until I was leaving my friend's house later that day. As I stood up to leave an odd impression struck me and I silently asked myself what I had spent the last few hours doing. In that moment there was no "one" thing I could honestly say was bothering me or even causing me to feel so unsettled. I commented on this to my friend and yet I could not for the life of me verbalize why I was experiencing such a malaise. It wasn't until much later that night the clarity came. I am at a point in my life where having a family is what I would most love to be working for. And yet my days seem to be filled with a whole lot of "busy nothings", in a way. I would never say that getting an education or spending quality time with friends or keeping someone company at the end of their life is truly a busy nothing. However, when these moments are strung together along with numberless evenings of hanging out, life sometimes has an disconcerting way of reminding me that there are deeper, more permanent connections. What made me so very unsettled this past weekend was that while I have many open and wonderful friends and family there is a part of me that will not be fulfilled until I have attained those things I most want.In understanding that, I am no longer off center but patient in waiting for the best things and valuing the many enriching relationships I have been blessed with.

I was born a Football Player's Daughter...

So I have been thinking a lot about my father recently. The great, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have been thinking quite a bit about the sacrifices he has made in his life so that I could enjoy mine. Granted, when I was a bratty and insecure teenage girl with the emotional stability of a tsunami it seemed my dad could never make the sacrifices I felt I needed from him. But as I have evolved through the years so has my appreciation and understanding of everything my dad has done and continues to do for his family.

My father played professional football for the St. Louis Cardinals for just a few years in the early to mid 1960s. This was of course before I was a speck on the Bailey radar. This is a time in my parents life I continue to value, however, because it was a period that changed the direction of our family permanently. Thanks to good friends and neighbors my father decided for himself to lay aside the anti-Mormon feelings of my grandfather and become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Through the years I know this took a heavy toll on his relationship with his own father who had high athletic aspirations for his eldest son and namesake. By the time I arrived on the scene and was cognizant of my environment my grandfather, Claron, seemed to have mellowed and loved me to pieces. But I can't imagine the emotional price my father paid over the years in making the choice he did. How I love and admire him for that! For the courage to make hard choices because he knows they are the right ones no matter what the consequences. A quality that has defined his adult life.

The following is a Sports Illustrated article about the team my dad played on and his name is actually mentioned. My dad, the football player.

September 13, 1965 St. Louis Cardinals Tex Maule , Morton H. Sharnik

TheSt. Louis Cardinalshave one of the most intelligent quarterbacks in pro football. They have an abundance of good running backs and an experienced offensive line almost as strong as theGreen Bay Packers'. They have a goodly number of fleet, sure-handed and brave pass catchers. The defensive line is young, large and hungry, and there are plenty of big, violent linebackers. Add to all this a secondary that must benefit from acquiring the quick, strongAbe Woodsonfrom theSan Francisco 49ers, and it would seem unwise to pick any other team to win the championship of the Eastern Division or of the world, for that matter.

But this young, lively and deep football team probably will finish second or third. The primary deficiency is at quarterback, whereCharley Johnsonis a step away from being a championship quarterback and his replacements are seasons away.Johnsonis a brilliant strategist and often a brilliant passer. But he also can be rattled fairly easily, and he has a deplorable tendency to force his passes. This means that he will, despite close coverage, try to throw to a primary receiver against the odds. When he learns to look for his first receiver, give up, look for his second, give up and then throw the ball over the sidelines or eat it, he will have realized the potential of his good arm and brain. But he has not learned this lesson yet; he has been a starter for only two and a half years. It tookCleveland'sFrank Ryan, for example, more than five years to learn the same lesson. BehindJohnsontheCardinalshave Buddy Humphrey, who has not been a starting quarterback in seven years, and Terry Nofsinger, who has been a bench jockey for five. It is possible that one or the other of them is ready for a leading role, but neither has shown signs of it.

If theCardinalswere going into this campaign with a Unitas or a Starr at quarterback, they would be odds-on for first place. With Joe Childress, Bill Triplett, Prentice Gautt, Willis Crenshaw and Thunder Thornton for backs, they have exceptional running strength.Sonny Randle, Billy Gambrell, Bobby Joe Conrad,Jack Smithand Taz Anderson are a fine group of receivers. The offensive line is deep and capable.

The defensive line is quick and tough, and Larry Stallings, All-Pro Dale Meinert and Bill Koman combine a total of 18 years' experience with size and youth at linebacker.Dave Meggyesyand Marion Rushing provide linebacking strength in depth.

With Pat Fischer, Jim Burson,Jerry Stovall,Larry Wilson,Abe Woodson, Monk Bailey and rookie Carl Silvestri, theCardinalsare well supplied with defensive backs, a pleasant situation enjoyed by few clubs in pro football.Woodsonadds something theCardinalslacked last season—a tremendous threat on punt and kickoff returns.

Jim Bakkenis one of the handsomest place kickers in football; more important, he is extremely accurate at short or long range. He did not miss an extra point all of last season, his first in the league.

Add it all up and it would spell championship ifCharley Johnsoncould take the final giant step to stardom—and if an adequate replacement could be developed for him.

Two ifs, both big.

Read more:http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1077666/index.htm#ixzz1FfhvI9Hk