"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I can't do it alone, I've tried. I don't know why..."

So I had an interesting weekend this past Saturday-Sunday combo. I woke up short tempered and grumpy. Out of sorts in an undefinable way. That feeling plagued me throughout Saturday and refused to leave completely until late Sunday night. I spent Saturday night trying to refocus on my relationship with the perfect Therapist and Sunday I spent the morning enjoying the sweltering heat of 500 people in a very well heated church building. I attended wonderful church services and then caught up with many of my friends old and new. Yet this pervasive sense of being a little off center internally and somewhat incomplete seemed to linger. Having kept busy socializing, this wibbly wobbly state of emotions didn't fully strike me until I was leaving my friend's house later that day. As I stood up to leave an odd impression struck me and I silently asked myself what I had spent the last few hours doing. In that moment there was no "one" thing I could honestly say was bothering me or even causing me to feel so unsettled. I commented on this to my friend and yet I could not for the life of me verbalize why I was experiencing such a malaise. It wasn't until much later that night the clarity came. I am at a point in my life where having a family is what I would most love to be working for. And yet my days seem to be filled with a whole lot of "busy nothings", in a way. I would never say that getting an education or spending quality time with friends or keeping someone company at the end of their life is truly a busy nothing. However, when these moments are strung together along with numberless evenings of hanging out, life sometimes has an disconcerting way of reminding me that there are deeper, more permanent connections. What made me so very unsettled this past weekend was that while I have many open and wonderful friends and family there is a part of me that will not be fulfilled until I have attained those things I most want.In understanding that, I am no longer off center but patient in waiting for the best things and valuing the many enriching relationships I have been blessed with.