Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves...

But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune. ~ Carl Jung

These past few weeks I have been contemplating my own discontent. I previously posted about my own grumpiness and feeling out of sorts. I have been desperate to understand what has been churning in that mysterious corner of myself I so often try to cover up and insulate from the world. Yes, I have a few considerable challenges in my life but comparatively they seem manageable to me most of the time. I may occasionally cry in my car on the way home or during some ridiculously produced alien movie but on a day to day basis I know how lucky I am and how much I have in my life to be deeply grateful for. Then today I realized what that not so tiny granule of irritation has been these past few weeks: pride. Hence the picture of one of literature and film's greatest representatives of that trait: Fitzwilliam Darcy.

But in all reality I had a moment of inspiration in which I was allowed to see my nagging weakness recently and it became so obvious that pride was at the heart of it. I realized that at the foundation of my recent feelings of malaise was a subconscious understanding of two facts:

• my growing reliance on the care and concern of my friends, especially those here in NY

and even more embarrassing:

• my inherent need to feel needed

Clearly, neither of these ideas in theory are bad things. Relying on one's friends and family is a key ingredient in a fulfilling and happy life. As is the desire to contribute to the happiness and well being of others. BUT when they trigger long buried and well hidden defense mechanisms. a significant amount of mysterious emotional turbulence can certainly be expected. And that is my journey. To learn to be a little less independent and not see it as a weakness. To allow myself the joy of knowing a little old lady wants me to stay forever. To be open to the people around me and not think less of myself for needing those connections.