"I felt it shelter to speak to you." ~Emily Dickinson

I cannot think fully lucid thoughts these days.I am not who I am but this wild thing darting from enclosed shelter to enclosed shelter. I skip classes....leave assignments unfinished....lose keys, phones, ideas,and sometimes even my heart. But this feral thing has been provided with a few sacred havens and cannot imagine what shaggy scapegrace of an existance I would have fallen into without the ever present hand of God in my life. I see His blessings even through the hurricanes and tropical storms. He has provided me with a circle of love and devotion to buoy my spirits, forgive my weaknesses, and magnify my understanding. He has given me love stronger than I have ever felt before. He has endowed me with the miracle of friendships and the challenge of learning the power of complete emotional vulnerability. I have felt the peace and safety of purity and profound compassion because I have allowed myself to embrace those shelters from the storm with which God has provided me. Yet, the wounded animal within still rails against the fury of life's storms. The mind turns itself over and over again like a mental rotisserie. But in certain moments with certain people I can be still. My mind can rest and my heart can open itself completely, encompassed by the shelter of friendship and love.
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; That word is love."
--Sophocles

"She is your mirror,shining back at you with a world of possibilities.She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best,and loves you anyway...

She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child." ~Barbara Alpert



Whenever I think of the nature of the sister-sister relationship the first thought that surfaces leads to a compulsory singing of the few bars I know of that famous tune from the holiday classic White Christmas:Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters.... It never fails.

Admittedly, there may have been a period in my life where I felt the pull of desire to be an only child. But the tide of life experience eroded that faulty emotion years ago. Today I have the calming assurance of having been given three women who know where I have come from and will do all within their power to encourage me along the path to where I am going. There are three women who know exactly what I mean when I say: "I am turning into mom" or "Wow, I am just like dad". There are three women who know that despite my grumpy exterior I have the insides of a marshmallow...and forgive me for my infinite shortcomings. There are three women who reflect the best and the worst within myself. There are three women who have shown me how to want more for and make more of myself. Three women who have allowed me to feel God's love reflected through their love and support of me. There couldn't be three women I love more.

"What love we've given, we'll have forever. What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity." -Leo Buscaglia

I have been learning something about the refinining nature of love. Though this feels like a recent development to me I can look back on my life and glimpse the many times along my way that God planted seeds of learning in an attempt to yield an oak of understanding. I love this quote by Leo Buscaglia because it touches on the principle I know I will spend my life attempting to fully understand. What good is the love we have in our hearts for the world around us if it goes unplanted, uncultivated and unexpressed? What purpose can it serve to feel a deep love within ourselves for anything or anyone beyond ourselves if we lock it in a safe box and bury it beneath the earth?

I have a friend who insists that it is a sin when a person refrains from sharing their feelings of love to another. I would argue that words are well and good but it is through our openness in actions that we show the intent and feeling of our hearts. The seedling of perception blooms with the unfolding of the notion that love is most profoundly reflected in our sacrifices, small or large, of time, money,comfort,desires,etc...in the pursuit of putting someone else's happiness first. It is when we focus on blessing the lives of others that we are most blessed, and it is in giving our love freely not just in word but in deed that we claim the right to feel that love in return forever.

Weave with faith and God will find the thread. -Proverb

Today is October 21. Two months ago my older sister Danielle was married for time and all eternity to her sweetheart Andy Gomez in the LDS Newport Beach Temple. It was the most stressful day of my life and the most joyous.Funny how the contrast of high anxiety and total joy can be woven together to settle an event indelibly into your memory and your heart.Knowing that the day was not about me I spent very little time enjoying the glorious weather or the good company. I raced from place to place on errands to make sure everything was where it should be. That day Danielle shone brighter, stronger, and far longer than the California sun.With her hand firmly in Andy's, they emerged from the temple with their hands held high in the air, victorious. This was the day my determined sister had been waiting for and working for and it was magical.
Despite being diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer just 2 months previously and having recently finished a round of radiation, Danielle Bailey Gomez was a marvel to behold that day. She danced the night away painlessly and chatted with all of her guests as if her body weren't riddled with tumors.August 21st 2010 was her night, her's and Andy's and even though I spent the day trying to catch and weave in all the loose ends before the thread ran out, God managed to grant me the miracle of seeing my sister have one perfect night.
Love you TEAM DANDY!!!!

"If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom?" - Kahlil Gibran

I continually ask myself this very wise question posed by the gifted Lebanese wordsmith and poet, Kahlil Gibran. My life changed forever just a few months ago when I received a phone call from my older sister at around 7:30 pm EST.The bubbling lava of her words began to suffocate me: it's metastatic breast cancer. I have been making my way through the haze of volcanic smoke and lecherous ash ever since. My heart seems to be able to break in one moment and regenerate in the next, only to break in the silent moments of infinite introspection. My 41 year old beautifuly brave sister was diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer as she made plans for her rapidly approaching wedding. I cried. I cry. I will cry. It seems like that was years ago, now that she is undergoing chemotherapy and her second round of radiation. But oh was she a beautiful bride...pretty pretty princess I so fondly call her. To see her married and happy was a moment so purely joyful that I ask myself: well, what of this volcanic heart? Can you be joyful and tormented simultaneously? As the weeks roll along with my sister and I seperated by an entire country, I have discovered the volcano is deep within my heart making it's unpredictable appearance at the strangest moments. I have become acutely aware of the heat of anger in the frustration of feeling powerless and disconnected. I have felt distraught in the midnight hour longing for the assurance that the "C" thing was all just a dream. But despite my emotional volcano there have been moments of tenderness between sisters as well as between friends and most importantly between the Parent of us all and a sorrowful daughter. What I hope to achieve is a quelling of the volcanic fires that sporadically burst forth scorching everything in its wake with the consistant and firm recognition of the numberless blessings I daily receive, including the knowledge that God does indeed have a plan. Once I do that, perhaps the most magnificent flowers will bloom from the rich volcanic ash.